No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
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I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?