The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
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I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
This made me chuckle.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.