[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
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[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.