me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
You Might Also Like
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
My boss called in sick of me
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”