The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
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I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.