I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
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I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.