Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
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Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Well, that didn’t work.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”