If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
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I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Dead sexy!!
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
😲 WTF? 😆
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.