I created you as mosquito food.
You Might Also Like
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
tell em, edith-anne
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway