“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
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Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
uncle dave has been through hell
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.