“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
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they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Me as a therapist: omg same
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
This is so me 😂😂
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Do not levitate over flowers
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket