I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
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judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?