History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
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If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
moms in horror movies