“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
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It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor