If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
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No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?