i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
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Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]