2 years later
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ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw