I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Is this you?
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.