i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
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Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Just had my nails done!
Sorry. Not sorry
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
i’m sure it’s fine
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…