Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
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Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.