If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
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[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.