My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
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To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
can’t talk my ride’s here
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Basketball
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa