#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
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power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain