“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
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Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.