*serious situation*
My brain:
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Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Cat is stressing him out.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it