gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
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Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
The pen is writier than the sword.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye