I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
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My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!