I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
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I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
#catsoftwitter
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?