3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
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Every Adele song is about lasagna.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
The 6 types of sex
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?