JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
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nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*