Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
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Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I feel this so hard
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.