This chloroform smells expensiv…
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Eggs benadryl my favourite
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
The Birdles
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.