walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
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When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet