*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
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DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: Itâs ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. Iâm giving my family smallpox.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didnât ever know they were catholic
Teacher: đđđ
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
New Mom: I bought my kidsâ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: Thatâs cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they canât change their minds 800 times.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
âIf you could read my mind, loveâŚâ
– Gordon LightfootâWhy the hell would think Iâd want that for Christmas?!?â
– my wifeSame
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so itâs nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.