I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
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Breakfast for Stoners:
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
lol
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
worst…sale…ever
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
never compromise your values
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick