Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
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Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back