[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
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Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: whatâs a lator
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: âYou have a match!
Orange juice: âOh great!â
TINDER: âItâs toothpaste.â
Orange juice: âOh no.â
Me: âThe doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.â
Kid: âDo we even *have* salt water at home?â
Me: âOh, boy.â
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Challenge accepted.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I donât usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an âoutstandingâ medical bill
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. đ€§đ
Wife is angry because âsomebodyâ dripped grape jelly onto the dogâs head.
It feels very accusatory.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Is….Is this an option?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Letâs get ready to crumblllllllle
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline âș
Kids: Whatâs for supper?
Me: Well, I didnât have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so Iâm just using what weâve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
âmen are scared of powerful women,â I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine