Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
You Might Also Like
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
titanic
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
*eats only grass-fed donuts
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that