that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
You Might Also Like
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Favourite diary entry ever
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10