I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
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My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband: