*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
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Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.