“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
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Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
i actually laughed 😩
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
incredible text to wake up to
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Doggies just call it style.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event