I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
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Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire