As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
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“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains