Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
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for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
saving face 👀
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
i smell a pulitzer
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped