I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
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My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.