[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
accurate
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.