*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
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When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
synchronized noseblowing
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.