Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
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Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
How wrong was this guy?
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.