I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
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dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
“what that mouth do?” complain
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.